Family boundaries define relationships among family members and their interactions with the external environment. They are essential for maintaining warmth and a sense of security. It’s crucial to protect the personal space of each family member and communicate comfortably with loved ones.
Psychologists identify rigid, blurred, and healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are flexible and can adapt to circumstances. Learning to establish them begins in the early days of married life, safeguarding the relationship from outside influences.
What Are Family Boundaries and Why Are They Important?
The concept of a “boundary” refers to what separates one entity from another. For example, a border between two countries may be marked by a fence, a sign, or a wall, signaling the end of one territory and the start of another with its own rules and governance.
Similarly, boundaries exist between us and the world — our bodies mark our external limits. These lines of contact with others define our boundaries, which we can outline, feel, or perceive.
Psychologists discuss internal boundaries, which are harder to define. Unlike physical boundaries, these aren’t tangible. Internal boundaries begin forming in early childhood, influenced by how parents interact with their child. As individuals mature, they learn to establish and defend their boundaries independently.
Marriage creates a new unit of society, distinct from the parental family. This unit establishes its own family boundaries — rules, customs, and norms agreed upon by both partners to ensure the family functions effectively.
Some traditions may carry over from the parental family, but creating new rules is essential, respecting both partners’ opinions. For instance, even if you’re close to your mother and she values tidiness, criticizing your spouse for the fact that he would like to discover Slots at Hell Spin instead of putting things away may not be ideal. Ask yourself: Do you personally care about tidiness, or are you subconsciously seeking parental approval?
Failing to separate your personal views of family from your parents’ can lead to a marriage that feels controlled by others. Relatives or in-laws may set the rules, leaving one or both partners feeling like outsiders. To avoid such issues, let’s explore family boundaries in detail.
Types of Family Boundaries
Family boundaries are implicit or explicit rules that define interactions within the family and with the outside world.
Boundaries can be internal or external:
- External boundaries regulate interactions between family members and outsiders.
- Internal boundaries govern relationships within the family, such as between parents and children or spouses.
Boundaries vary in permeability and can be flexible (healthy), rigid, or blurred. Let’s examine each type in detail.
Rigid External Boundaries
In families with rigid boundaries, members avoid letting outsiders into their space. Guests are rare, and hosting often feels like a chore. The outside world is perceived as dangerous and untrustworthy. This limits the family’s interactions with others, fostering secrecy and isolation.
Rigid Internal Boundaries
In families with rigid internal boundaries, doors are often closed, and members don’t share personal feelings. Conversations are formal, with little genuine interest in one another. Problems of children or parents are often discovered through third parties, such as schools, hospitals, or authorities.
Blurred External Boundaries
Families with blurred external boundaries often have numerous social connections but limited interaction among themselves. Their home may feel like a revolving door, with frequent visitors who overstep family boundaries. Cleaning or organizing is often done by guests rather than family members.
In such families, members may openly criticize each other without hesitation. Their lifestyle often resembles that of students or chaotic households, such as those affected by alcoholism.
Blurred Internal Boundaries
Blurred internal boundaries involve a lack of personal space. Parents may interfere excessively in their children’s lives, frequently using “we” instead of acknowledging individuality. Doors are rarely closed, and privacy is minimal.
Children from such families struggle to establish independence or a clear identity. A common dynamic includes rigid external boundaries but blurred internal ones, or vice versa.
Signs of Healthy Boundaries
How can families establish healthy boundaries? Healthy boundaries are flexible and adaptable. For instance, while a family may generally avoid unplanned visits, exceptions can be made if someone is injured or needs help.
Healthy boundaries are also stable and resilient, not easily disrupted by minor changes. They should be clear and agreed upon by all family members. For example, a father might state, “Please inform us at least two hours in advance if guests are coming.” This rule applies to everyone equally.
Healthy boundaries are established collaboratively, not imposed by outsiders. For example, if a mother-in-law insists on visiting unannounced, this reflects her preferences, not a shared family agreement.
The purpose of healthy boundaries is to improve communication and comfort, not to create difficulties. If discomfort arises, it may be time to reassess and adjust the boundaries.
Causes of Family Boundary Violations
New families often experience boundary violations, particularly from close relatives or friends.
Interference from Relatives and Parents
Many newlyweds start their lives with parents, which can hinder boundary establishment. Parents may struggle to recognize the couple as a separate unit with its own rules.
Even when living separately, financial dependence on parents can lead to manipulation or boundary violations.
Examples of parental interference include:
- Expecting help with their household or property without considering the couple’s needs.
- Imposing their rules or offering unsolicited advice.
- Controlling the couple’s finances or offering unasked-for assistance.
- Cleaning or cooking in the couple’s home without prior agreement.
- Criticizing or interfering with parenting decisions.
- Entering the couple’s space uninvited or using spare keys without permission.
Parents often act out of fear of losing significance in their children’s lives. This anxiety can lead to actions that disrupt the family’s structure and boundaries.
Interference from Friends
Both partners usually maintain their pre-marriage social circles. However, if friends frequently visit or monopolize one partner’s time, conflicts may arise. Such behavior often violates family boundaries and sparks tension.
How to Establish Boundaries in a New Family
Every family must work on building its boundaries. Here’s how to succeed:
Separate Your Own Values from Parental Influence
Learn to trust yourself and your partner. Ask:
- Is this truly important to me?
- Am I doing this for myself or to please someone else?
- What do I really want?
Understanding your own needs helps protect you from external influence.
Communicate Your Needs to Relatives
Examples of setting boundaries:
- “Mom, we’re happy to see you, but daily visits are too much. We have other responsibilities to manage.”
- “Dad, we’ll decide for ourselves whether to sell the apartment. If we need help, we’ll ask.”
Stay Emotionally Resilient
Just as a painful bump reminds us of physical boundaries, relatives may push against a family’s limits, causing feelings of hurt or frustration. This is normal. Stand firm, and remember that you have the right to make your own choices, while others have the right to their emotions.